Story Excerpts

          from “A Grizzly Tale”

     I had of course prepared myself for grizzly encounters by reading the park literature and attending ranger talks, but the only words that came to my mind at that moment were, "oh, my God!"  It may be best that I froze upon seeing the bear, otherwise my first reaction may have been to run, which is absolutely the worst thing you can do in such a situation, as it only excites the bear's predatory instincts.

     When my mind's emergency computational system finally began working, I remembered the park ranger's suggestion of waving your arms and shouting as a means of identifying yourself to the bear as an animal he doesn't prey upon.  So I waved my arms and shouted.  His response was a move closer to the edge of the river and a survey of present conditions: depth, rate of current, and so on.  I could tell he'd never been to a ranger talk. 

          from “Better Off Dead”

     Then there was my work situation.  Mr. Satan was without a doubt the worst boss I ever worked for.  We had to constantly keep busy, even though we knew what we were doing wasn't worth anything to anybody.  And he had a way of knowing if anyone anywhere was goofing off.  It didn't take long to learn that if we did, we'd get a pitchfork up the rear end and have to skip the next coffee break.  We were given one three-minute coffee break every thirty-six hours.  The coffee was watered-down instant decaf.  Once every three weeks, we were given a twenty-minute lunch break.  There were four items on the menu: Spam soup, Spam burgers, Spam salad, and boiled tofu.

     I worked at a desk, proofreading legal documents.  Muzak was constantly blaring over the loudspeakers.  I envied those who worked on the hot coal pile.  I wanted to switch jobs, just for the variety.  But there was a rule that stated that you must work the same job for 30,000 years with no more than two mistakes before being eligible for a transfer.

     I was not happy with my situation.